No. 374: The Eagles

Band: The Eagles
Album: The Eagles
Why Rolling Stone gets it right: Wow. Um. Well, someone likes the Eagles. They have sold a fucking lot of records.
Why Rolling Stone gets it wrong: The Eagles are the antithesis of rock and roll. The band's combination of nonsense philosophy, crappy folk and even crappier rock and roll is boring, boring, boring.
Best song: Well, "Witchy Woman" sucks, but it was a small plot point toward the end of an excellent episode of my favorite TV show.
Worst song: Please. This album stinks.
Is it awesome?: Nope.

You know who likes the Eagles? Robert Christgau. You know who doesn't? Me.

I've heard Jack Johnson's (man, I forgot where I heard/read it) popularity explained by saying that he reminds people of the guy they bought weed from in high school. He's a nice dude, he's harmless, he doesn't hassle you, but there's really nothing to him. He's basically harmless.

This, of course, is why I hate him. "Harmless" isn't a compliment in rock and roll. Even now, progress needs to be achieved in music and bands like Isis are able to do that. In the absence of that, really good songwriting (not just harmless songwriting) is what buoys great artists.

The Eagles, some would argue, are great songwriters. I would not. I would say that, like Jack Johnson, they wrote songs using idiotic, stoner phrases ("Take it Easy" being one of the operative examples) and easy love archetypes ("Witchy Woman").

That the Eagles are celebrated in our culture makes me feel like Pat Buchanan or Bill Bennett, the people who hate America's cultural movement over the past century. I'm not sure I love an America where Don Henley and Glenn Frey are celebrated.

No. 37: Hotel California

Band: The Eagles
Album: Hotel California
Why Rolling Stone gets it right: Um.
Why Rolling Stone gets it wrong: This is middlebrow claptrap at its pinnacle. It's a bunch of rich fucks who fancy themselves philosophers by ripping their record company. The so-subtle-it-is-really-just-vague concept about "the end of the world" (whatever that means) makes no sense whatsoever. The lyrics are referential only to crap that Don Henley cares about. Total nonsense.
Best song: None. They all stink.
Worst song: The title track is abhorrent. "You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave?" Come on, now.
Is it awesome?: Nope. It stinks.

A lot of popular music in the 70s was really bad, partially because this record. They opened the door for so much bullshit inoffensive "rock and roll" that is only considered that because it was on a rock label and tries to deal with topics other than love. Really, though, what's so different from the Eagles and the Carpenters? Not a lot.

Some of that stuff has some redemptive quality. I've already touched on "Rumours", but "Sweet Baby James" isn't bad. I guess I can see the draw in "Running on Empty," though I hate it.

But, "Hotel California" is the worst. It has vague references to the Church of Satan ("They just can't kill the beast") the lovely lifting of chord progression from "Fly Me To The Moon" and the third strike of Don Henley's voice. He sounds like someone's dad drunkenly singing lullabies to his baby. That's not a compliment.

Just as handsome young men like Josh Groban, Maroon 5 and John Mayer are called "mom rock" as their appeal to middle-aged women is their draw, the Eagles are "dad rock." They're fake enough to be considered interesting by stupid people, when, in reality, they're no different than the John Mayers of the world, just less attractive and older.

Also, Don Henley is the root of all evil. He's just the worst. He halfway supports the environment, yet will go for any money-grab tour that Eagles can find, even though he hates Glenn Frey with the passion of 1,000 fires. Also, he's responsible for this trash.