No. 496: Destroyer

Band: Kiss
Album: Destroyer
Why Rolling Stone gets it right: Wow, well. People like Kiss, right? I mean, they've sold tons of records and every time they tour, scores of makeup-covered morons push into the nearest stadium to proclaim their love of partying.
Why Rolling Stone gets it wrong: Bah.
Best song: "Detroit Rock City" is stupid, but fun.
Worst song: "Beth:" Worst song ever? I'd say maybe.
Is it awesome?: Not even close.

I haven't written extensively about my favorite current video game (only referencing it once), but I am an avid player of Rock Band. I love playing that game. I bought a Playstation 3 largely to play that game and that game only.

Anyway, there's a phenomenon in that game which I normally compare to Stockholm Syndrome. If you play Rock Band enough, you start to know -- backwards and forwards -- songs you wouldn't otherwise know or like. The game's soundtrack is extensive and there are tons of downloadable songs online. Nevertheless, in order to do well in the game, a player has to play a lot of goddamned songs the player doesn't like.

The game, for example, features songs by Molly Hatchet, the Killers, the Hives and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, all bands I wish would fall off the face of the earth. Still, I know those songs up and down because I've had to get the rhtymns down for playing the drums, the lyrics for singing and some semblance of the melody through playing the Rock Band guitar.

And so goes "Detroit Rock City," the first song from "Destroyer." It's a ridiculous song, written about a
Kiss fan who drank, drove and ended up dead after colliding with a truck in Michigan. It's based on a repetitive guitar riff and some wildly stupid lyrics, but I've come to know it as well as I know some of my favorite songs. know all the words. I can rock about a 90% on it


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I like Pitchfork Media a fair amount -- I find myself defending it to friends and haters all too often -- but this review of "Destroyer" is an example of why people hate Pitchfork. Granted, it's an old review (and the site has moved away from this style of review recently), but the self-indulgent reference to a fictional "Troy" is stupid.

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The rest of "Destroyer" is basically dung. "Beth," despite its popularity, is overwrought and dumb. "God of Thunder" is threatening in the same way an angry child is threatening; it's more cute than scary. "Flaming Youth" is awkward and stupid. "Shout It Out Loud" is clunky, due to some pretty mediocre singing.

Kiss is more of a phenomenon than a band. Their place in music history is important, but I'd hardly call their music great.

No. 159: Alive!

Band: Kiss
Album: Alive!
Why Rolling Stone gets it right: We're talking about Kiss here, one of the most interesting live bands of all time. "Alive!" is a set of their early-career hits in the way they were meant to be played: In silly makeup and lots of crowd noise.
Why Rolling Stone gets it wrong: Kiss is more novelty act than rock band and, like the Beastie Boys, I've never met a big Kiss fan who wasn't a moron or a teenager.
Best song: "Strutter" is a really cool song and one of the band's only real good songs.
Worst song: "Rock Bottom" kind of stinks.
Is it awesome?: It's close.

Like it or not, Kiss is pretty important. Their version of rock showmanship made as much of a mark as nearly any band around. Among the fire-breathing, the Peter Criss balladry (hello, "Beth!") and Gene Simmons combo of blood and tongue is a band that played pretty standard hard rock. Listening to it on record isn't that exciting unless you try to think of a guy wearing Kabuki makeup singing.

So, Kiss is clearly at home on stage.

The sturm and drang that surrounds Kiss is all nonsense, but it's fun nonsense. And more importantly, it's great business for the band. By putting their names and faces on just about everything, they get ridiculous royalties every time something sells.

With that said, who buys this crap? I could see buying a Kiss t-shirt or maybe a Kiss lunch box. But, a giant Kiss lithograph of their comic book personas? A Demon Duck? What about a $75 Kiss lava lamp? Kiss perfume? Or maybe Kiss condoms?

I mean, there's a goddamned Kiss coffeehouse in Myrtle Beach. ("Coffee with attitude.")

Again, I ask: Who buys this crap? Are people this stupid?

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With that said, I do enjoy "Strutter." The Donnas cover is much better, but Kiss' version isn't bad.

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Let me say that I'm also not the representative of pretentious indie rock snobs, because Pitchfork has given "Alive!" a 10 out of 10 in their review. If I'd not had extensive experience listening to "Alive!," I might even be convinced that it's as great as the reviewer says it is:

Man, who didn't like Kiss? Back in the mid-'70s when America was stuck in between Watergate and Star Wars, Kiss reminded us that there were still broads to be nailed, beer to be imbibed, and a good time to be had by all. Alive! is total sonic proof of Kiss climbing their apex and knocking off one of the all time great live albums.

Of course, I wasn't even a thought in my parents' eyes when Kiss was good. "Alive!" is good, but it's Kiss. More novelty than actual band.