No. 228: Toys In The Attic

Band: Aerosmith
Album: Toys In The Attic
Why Rolling Stone gets it right: Aerosmith's style was pretty much cemented on "Toys In The Attic." The blues-rock template was set and the band unleashed Steven Tyler's ridiculously hyperbolic sexuality on the world on "Dream On" and "Walk This Way."
Why Rolling Stone gets it wrong: Where do I begin? Tyler sounds like a moron with his "kakakakakaaaa" nonsense. The song "Big Ten Inch Record" is dirtbag filthy. The guitar work is lazy and uninspired.
Best song: The title track is good by other bands.
Worst song: Ick. Aerosmith stinks.
Is it awesome?: Nope.

Man, Aerosmith, Springsteen and U2 all in one week. Oh, happy day.

Anyway, you know my feelings on this particular band. The problem with my reviewing them is twofold:

1. Every album has one decent, not-super-well-known song that would be passable by another band.


2. Their hits (on this album especially) are so ingrained in our consciousness, it's hard to say they totally suck.

The first point shows up in the song's two monster hits, "Walk This Way" and "Sweet Emotion." I can't say I hate them, because I don't. I'm certainly sick of them, but neither is a total insult to the ears like, say, "Janie's Got A Gun" or "Amazing" are. Rather, they're just a mild annoyance. If I hear it at a bar, I complain mildly, I don't go on an anti-Aerosmith rant.

Anyway, I've heard these songs so many times, I know all the lyrics and the melodies. I'll even find myself singing along, despite the fact that I don't even like the songs. Damn you, commercial classic rock radio!

The first problem is less so. The song's title track -- like "Back In The Saddle" from "Rocks" -- isn't a bad song and the cover R.E.M. recorded as a b-side to "Fall On Me" is brilliant. However, having Steven Tyler scream the lyrics makes me want to bang my head with a dictionary.

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Let's also talk about how dirtbag filthy Aerosmith is on "Big Ten Inch Record." The lyrics are straight out of an AC/DC song:

Got me the strangest woman
Believe me this trick's no cinch
But I really get her going
When I whip out my big 10 inch

I understand it's an old blues tune, but it takes a special band to look at those lyrics and think "wow, yeah, that's perfect."

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So, yes, Aerosmith. This album stinks and the band stinks. Sadly, we all know the songs because classic rock radio/VH1 loves them.

No. 176: Rocks

Band: Aerosmith
Album: Rocks
Why Rolling Stone gets it right: It's good to be reminded that there was a time when Aerosmith wasn't totally awful. "Back In The Saddle" has a sludgy, awesome riff and "Nobody's Fault" is kind of an important song and has a great solo.
Why Rolling Stone gets it wrong: Well, it's Aerosmith and I don't care for Aerosmith. Basically, a Zeppelin ripoff act, Aerosmith never really did it for me.
Best song: "Back In The Saddle" is, hands down, the best song on any Aerosmith album.
Worst song: "Sick As A Dog" charted, but it kind of stinks.
Is it awesome?: Nope, though it's as close as Aerosmith ever gets to greatness.

This is the first of two Aerosmith albums on the list, so I figure I might as well write about the band and my feelings it...

I don't like Aerosmith. At all. Like, at all. I can appreciate the bass/guitar play in "Back In The Saddle," but that's about it.

Much of this, I'm sure, is a function of my age. Being 26, my first exposures to the band were their late-era success records. "Pump" (featuring the singles "Janie's Got A Gun" and "Love In An Elevator") was my first real knowledge that a band called Aerosmith existed. The band appeared on the Simpsons in 1991, which was pretty awesome.

The fever pitch of their popularity -- and my hatred of the band -- in my lifetime was 1993's "Get A Grip" wherein the band released three singles that

• Had three-syllable titles/hooks


• Said hooks were sang in, seriously, almost the exact same cadence


• Featured sexy Jew Alicia Silverstone (one was pervy in that it also featured a scantily-clad Liv Tyler. Live Tyler being the daughter of the lead singer. G-r-o-s-s.)
  

It was a really awful period of time. That record had another hit single ("Livin' On The Edge") that had some idiotic anti-drug theme or something. It's awful.

That's kind of where I stand on Aerosmith. It's kind of too bad. If I'd known Aerosmith solely as the band of "Walk This Way," "Sweet Emotion" and "Back In The Saddle," I might actually take them seriously.

Part of it is the idea of this whole project. Aerosmith, as a band, is incredibly derivative (vocals of Zeppelin, guitar parts of Yardbirds to a point of covering "Train Kept A'Rollin'") and the band basically tries to ape boomer loves (Zep, Beck, the sex/drugs/rock 'n roll thing). That they weren't a big-time band before the Run-D.M.C. collaboration in the '80s or that they weren't superduperstars until middle age -- when all the boomers were running VH1 and the like -- is, to me, an indication of their lack of worth. Aerosmith isn't a good band. They're just not.

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With that said, "Rocks" isn't an insult to one's ears like "Get A Grip" or "Pump" are. Indeed, it's a cheap Yardbirds/Zep ripoff. "Nobody's Fault" is kind of the template used in every '80s "I'm sorry" ballad from the hair metallers. "Sick As A Dog" has some stops and starts that are mildly worthwhile. "Last Child" is their funkiest song, which isn't saying much considering we're talking about a band of white guys from New England. "Back In The Saddle" is probably the best Aerosmith song, built around a monster riff played on a six-string bass.

Still, it's nothing special. I've called numerous albums "boring" -- it's one of the worst insults I can give a record -- but most "boring" records are simply soft rock. "Rocks" is boring hard/arena rock. It even has the requisite "our crowds are awesome" song ("Lick and a Promise"), a concept copped from Zep's "The Ocean."